Where Faith and Doubt Meet

I am an Open Theist.

(Well, to be precise, I am a Wesleyan Open Theist.)

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has read my blog or discussed theology with me. I don't try to hide it.

I used to. I used to be afraid that if I was "found out" that I would be discarded by the church. I have met many people in the church whose theology is a mix of Wesleyan Holiness and Calvinistic Fundamentalism, adapting their current beliefs to whatever the moment demanded. They have as their constant companion the ingrained voice of their 2nd grade Sunday School teacher, always mentally available to trump the teachings of well-studied and well-learned elders in the church. And I have found this group of "Christians" to be a most intolerant and judgemental bunch, their love extending only as far as your usefulness to them. When you are identified by them as, "not one of us," well, God help you because they certainly will not. Being outside of this group, life can be most miserable. I have met many a pastor who feared teaching what they believed to be "Truth" because of the backlash they would receive from these people.

I, too, always feared that if I identified myself as an open theist, the label of "not one of us," would be applied and I would be ousted.

One of the best things that happened to me as a pastor was the arrival of a military family to my church whose theology was solidly of the open theist perspective. Besides being tremendously helpful in whatever way they could around the church, with their arrival I also discovered that I was not alone. There were other open theists in the church. And not all of us were afraid to admit it.

From that time on, I have discarded the fear of being honest about my views on Open Theism and embraced the moniker as my own, explaining it to those who are interested in knowing what it is, and defending it against those who would demonize it or misrepresent it. The truth is, open theism is not "un-Christian." It is simply a different understanding of the nature of God's created order that challenges many assumptions handed down to the Christian faith from various philosophies.

Well, today has been a rather tough day for this open theist. But in the spirit of my new found "openness," I want to share my thoughts on what has been a rough day for me.

When I was a teen, I understood God's will much differently than I do at present. I was taught that "everything happens for a reason" and "when God closes a door he opens a window." (That second phrase has always been amusing to me because the first time I read it was on a sign by the toilet in the restroom at a friend's house.) I honestly believed when I was younger that wherever I was at in life was a by-product of what God desired. I didn't think through any of the negative implications of that position, probably because I lacked the depth of perspective with which to critique it. Since that time, however, I have come to understand God's will in a new light.

My belief in divine guidance is that God is active in my life, helping me to make choices that honor Him. But I do not believe there is only one path for me or only one future. I believe I could choose from any number of options before me and still be in the center of God's will for my life. This is because, as John Sanders writes in his book, The God Who Risks: "The will of God for our lives is not a list of activities regarding vocation, marriage, and the like. Rather, it is God's desire that we become a lover of God and others as was exemplified in God's way in Jesus."

The problem for me comes when I have challenging days like today.

At 1:48 PM today I posted an update about what was going on in my life. I mentioned a job I was excited about. I interviewed there on February 10th via phone and again on February 24th face to face. I have had multiple emails back and forth with them since that date. Each time I was told that things were progressing slow and steady and they would be back in touch soon. Last week, I was told that I was on their "short list" and that in the coming weeks they were going to set up meetings with parents and students. I really believed that this could be a great fit for me and was excited about the opportunity. Then today, one hour after posting my update I get a surprise email telling me they have prayed about it all and decided I was not a "good fit." I have no idea why the sudden change of heart, but the clear implication from them is that they felt I was not part of God's will for their church.

Now please don't misunderstand - I am not upset or bitter at them for the situation. I appreciated very much the opportunity and the knowledge that I was being seriously considered. All things considered, they know their situation much better than I do and are infinitely more capable of assessing it than I.

The question I have is, what role did God really play in this rejection? Did God really just close another door for me? If so, then where is my window? Because since I resigned from my last church, I have seen my share of closed doors and closed windows, and I am not so sure that God was behind each closing. I have been patiently seeking a path that would honor God in full-time ministry and there just doesn't seem to be anything there. I am frustrated with it beyond my ability to explain.

Today is the kind of day when I am tempted to idealize the simple faith of my teen years, when I could look at this email, say "everything happens for a reason," and then live in the bliss of that lack of perspective. But I am not that young child any more and I find myself living in an unsettled annoyance with my situation.

If I am to be honest with myself, today I am very thankful that I cannot accept the premise that "everything happens for a reason." Because today my faith resides not in a pre-determined path, but instead in the much more solid foundation of knowing that tomorrow will come and with it the sun will shine. I do not have to assign meaning to my rejection, because I know that it is not God who is rejecting me. I do not have to seek purpose in the midst of heartache, because I know that God is not the cause of my pain. In fact, I believe that God is standing with me in the midst of my latest disappointment, mourning with me what will not be.

And that Truth gives me great comfort.